A sandbox for writers of all genres, offering peer reviews, technical discussion, and more!


    Flight of the Stallion ~

    Share
    avatar
    Kerry


    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Amongst bluebirds and rainbows :)

    default Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Kerry on Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:27 pm

    Flight of the stallion

    Flowing mane of ebony silk
    caught by sun’s white gleam,
    gracefully dancing on emerald grass
    your power reflects esteem.
    Nostrils flared, such wild instinct
    yet beauty strikes the eye,
    alert you listen with ears pricked,
    on a whim you turn and fly.


    Copyright ©2010KDP




    Last edited by Kerry on Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
    avatar
    Jamie


    Posts : 74
    Join date : 2010-10-12

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Jamie on Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:31 pm

    Very nice, Kerry. The rhythm and rhyme are steady and pleasing to the ear. One little nitpick--I think you should've had a comma after "pricked" so that the sentence doesn't read like the ears were pricked on a whim, if that makes sense. Still a very pretty poem, a pleasure to read (as always, m'dear.) Wink
    avatar
    Kerry


    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Amongst bluebirds and rainbows :)

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Kerry on Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:12 pm

    Sorted Wink x
    avatar
    Jamie


    Posts : 74
    Join date : 2010-10-12

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Jamie on Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:06 pm

    Makes all the difference. Smile
    avatar
    Harklight


    Posts : 77
    Join date : 2010-10-13

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Harklight on Thu Oct 14, 2010 8:38 pm

    The poem creates a bright, free-spirited image, Kerry. Your beast's flightiness is similar to wild horses near here. Little nits: commas fit after "alert" and "whim". With many actions, that sentence could end at "pricked" to break it up. I like the rhyme, smooth reading and your stallion portrayal: it's an enjoyable poem. H x
    avatar
    Daniel


    Posts : 4
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : down the hall and to the left

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Daniel on Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:04 pm

    okay dokey.. let me put my critique glasses on here and give this a shot..

    the first thing I noticed is how each of the first three lines reflect a color.. ebony, white and emerald.. the ebony is the mane, the white is the suns gleam and the emerald is the grass.. using these colors "paints" a picture for your reader to envision what you have written.. nice touch..

    then on your fourth line you write "your power reflects esteem".. this line shows the reader that the poem is to someone (or, as it turns out, something..) instead of a generic description of that person or thing.. however it is different than the first three lines in the way it is worded without the descriptions.. more on this line later..

    the next two lines create more detail in the picture, the nostrils are flared and to the speaker, this is a sign of beauty as well as the majesty of the subject..

    while the last two lines show the action of the poem.. the pause of the stallion being alert, the ears pricked and then the action of not just running away but flying..

    what would I change to make this better? I'm not sure it needs any changes but I can tell you a couple very small things I might want to think about..

    on that second to the last line, after the word "alert".. put a comma.. and it's not a BIG deal but to say at the end the stallion is flying makes one think of the winged horse Pegasus.. I know you need to rhyme with "eye" but if there was any way you could change it because it does take the poem a little away from reality and drop it into fantasy..

    perhaps using "bolt" and "colt" or.."sun" and "run".. you know what I'm saying..

    OR.. you could always just leave it the way it is because it is a beautiful poem that mixes imagination with reality. A poem every horse lover would love.

    tc,

    ~ Daniel
    avatar
    Armchair Queen


    Posts : 34
    Join date : 2010-10-17

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Armchair Queen on Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:26 pm

    Marvelous! Great vivid imagery!
    Armchair Queen

    carousal


    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2010-10-22

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by carousal on Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:22 am

    I have only one point to make and that concerns a problem that all poets face when trying to find fresh images for the colour of the Sky, Sun, Sea, Grass, and Moon etc. and when the poem is written in rhyme it becomes even more difficult.

    Take the sky, it is either blue or grey, that’s it, not much scope is there? Grass is green so again you’re choice is limited to emerald, as you have used, or pea but that doesn’t work.

    So a little tip, avoid describing the colour of the Sky, Sun, Sea, Grass and your options are increased. Example: Grass: Whisper grass, fern grass, or drop grass, substitute fields.

    You see Kerry we all striving for originality in the way to create fresh images for our readers. I couldn’t find a better way of describing the colour of grass than the one you have used. How many times have we come across ‘The silver moon’ in a poem? But try to find a better word than ‘silver’ and how many choices are open to us?

    This isn’t a critique, more of a way to get round a problem that we all come up against.

    Loved the last lines in your poem; they sum up the skittish dash for freedom so well.

    Sponsored content

    default Re: Flight of the Stallion ~

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:21 am