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    Limbo of Love Lost

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    Myth


    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Home Alone

    default Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by Myth on Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:21 pm

    Somber suffering soul
    sobbing in the seclusion
    of a house suffused with spirits

    Taunting shades of a wayward life
    whose stark sadness sustains
    sinister shadows of mocking solitude

    Emptiness’ everlasting echoes
    announcing fate's cruel joke
    perpetrated on a fool's heart
    ripped wantonly asunder
    amid a perversely callous
    tragedy of farewell

    Suspended in time
    unwilling or unable
    to venture further on a
    cold forsaken path

    Burdened by longing
    for the past

    Beyond hope
    for the future


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    Kerry


    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Amongst bluebirds and rainbows :)

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    Post by Kerry on Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:16 pm

    Beautifully written Myth. I enjoyed each line, each stanza. I'll be honest in saying I find it hard to critique something I really enjoyed reading even though this was sad. If it aint broke don't fix it! Just my two cents Smile xx much love Kerry xx
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    *Augustus*


    Posts : 22
    Join date : 2010-10-13
    Location : England

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    Post by *Augustus* on Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:56 am

    Personally this touched me Myth, I always manage to relate to your words on a personal level feeling that lost hearts trying to pull away from what happened in the past but always looking over your shoulder wondering where it all went wrong. I would suggest adding some commas in places to help with the flow of the piece other than that the aliteration and pure metaphoric content is brilliant. Outstanding piece.


    _________________
    through waves of joy and clarity
    a fallen angel walked on the sea
    and I'm playing in the shallow water
    laughing while the mad dog sleeps

    Neil Finn
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    Harklight


    Posts : 77
    Join date : 2010-10-13

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    Post by Harklight on Fri Oct 22, 2010 4:17 am

    Ah, this presentation almost reinforces the title's "Limbo", Myth. The many "s" words in first two stanzas are tongue-twisting but, cleverly, they fit. While the emotions are strong and relatable, I felt a more definitive opening and some sentence structure would enhance this write. Third and fourth stanzas, along with the final two couplets, left me feeling cold and empty. This poem clearly fits the title. H x

    carousal


    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2010-10-22

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    Post by carousal on Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:35 pm

    If you twisted my arm and bare in mind a critique to some extent reflects the critic’s personal taste, I would drop at least some of the double adjectives you use.

    I know you want to emphasise the dramatic effect but at times placing two adjectives together distracts rather than enhances the single adjective’s effect.

    Example

    ‘ripped wantonly asunder’


    By dropping the adjective ‘wantonly’ it does nothing to detract anything from the powerful image of ‘ripped asunder’

    Hope this has given you some food for thought.

    Cheers Cari.
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    Myth


    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Home Alone

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    Post by Myth on Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:27 am

    Thank you for the feedback everyone. I'll play around with it a bit this weekend.

    ~M~

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