Writers Playground

Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

A sandbox for writers of all genres, offering peer reviews, technical discussion, and more!


5 posters

    Limbo of Love Lost

    Myth
    Myth



    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Home Alone

    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by Myth Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:21 pm

    Somber suffering soul
    sobbing in the seclusion
    of a house suffused with spirits

    Taunting shades of a wayward life
    whose stark sadness sustains
    sinister shadows of mocking solitude

    Emptiness’ everlasting echoes
    announcing fate's cruel joke
    perpetrated on a fool's heart
    ripped wantonly asunder
    amid a perversely callous
    tragedy of farewell

    Suspended in time
    unwilling or unable
    to venture further on a
    cold forsaken path

    Burdened by longing
    for the past

    Beyond hope
    for the future


    Kerry
    Kerry



    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Amongst bluebirds and rainbows :)

    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Re: Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by Kerry Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:16 pm

    Beautifully written Myth. I enjoyed each line, each stanza. I'll be honest in saying I find it hard to critique something I really enjoyed reading even though this was sad. If it aint broke don't fix it! Just my two cents Smile xx much love Kerry xx
    *Augustus*
    *Augustus*



    Posts : 22
    Join date : 2010-10-13
    Location : England

    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Re: Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by *Augustus* Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:56 am

    Personally this touched me Myth, I always manage to relate to your words on a personal level feeling that lost hearts trying to pull away from what happened in the past but always looking over your shoulder wondering where it all went wrong. I would suggest adding some commas in places to help with the flow of the piece other than that the aliteration and pure metaphoric content is brilliant. Outstanding piece.
    Harklight
    Harklight



    Posts : 77
    Join date : 2010-10-13

    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Re: Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by Harklight Fri Oct 22, 2010 4:17 am

    Ah, this presentation almost reinforces the title's "Limbo", Myth. The many "s" words in first two stanzas are tongue-twisting but, cleverly, they fit. While the emotions are strong and relatable, I felt a more definitive opening and some sentence structure would enhance this write. Third and fourth stanzas, along with the final two couplets, left me feeling cold and empty. This poem clearly fits the title. H x
    avatar
    carousal



    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2010-10-22

    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Re: Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by carousal Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:35 pm

    If you twisted my arm and bare in mind a critique to some extent reflects the critic’s personal taste, I would drop at least some of the double adjectives you use.

    I know you want to emphasise the dramatic effect but at times placing two adjectives together distracts rather than enhances the single adjective’s effect.

    Example

    ‘ripped wantonly asunder’


    By dropping the adjective ‘wantonly’ it does nothing to detract anything from the powerful image of ‘ripped asunder’

    Hope this has given you some food for thought.

    Cheers Cari.
    Myth
    Myth



    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2010-10-14
    Location : Home Alone

    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Re: Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by Myth Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:27 am

    Thank you for the feedback everyone. I'll play around with it a bit this weekend.

    ~M~

    Sponsored content


    Limbo of Love Lost Empty Re: Limbo of Love Lost

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:29 pm