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    The Realm of Senses

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    *Augustus*


    Posts : 22
    Join date : 2010-10-13
    Location : England

    default The Realm of Senses

    Post by *Augustus* on Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:02 pm

    The Realm of Senses

    I felt you dream upon my shadow
    to let the night surrender me from harm,
    I heard your laugh like a calling bird for thunder,
    you spied into the safety of my glee.

    All for the love of dancing on the spine of life,
    we must travel like the wise into the wheat-
    cherish me forgotten and venture into my chest,
    find love a glowing beacon for your relief.

    When our silk lips surrender to the realm of senses
    touch will be the grace- bequeath for our pleasures,
    our hearts will beat as one inside our blazing adore-
    clothe will dance upon the floor, leaving us exposed…

    But I ask you what love isn’t, naked like the flame of zeal


    _________________
    through waves of joy and clarity
    a fallen angel walked on the sea
    and I'm playing in the shallow water
    laughing while the mad dog sleeps

    Neil Finn
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    Harklight


    Posts : 77
    Join date : 2010-10-13

    default Re: The Realm of Senses

    Post by Harklight on Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:26 am

    I'll get back to this piece, Jay. Sorry, I'm out of time to read it properly.

    *Returned*: The opening line is like light reverie felt in dusky gloom: sweet. While the words alone have a certain allure, some loose synonyms might not literally be what you intended. Fixing a few typo’s will help the read.
    This line is pure charm: “When our silk lips surrender to the realm of senses
    touch will be the grace”. I mostly felt the relief in release from this write. H x

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    *Augustus*


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    default Re: The Realm of Senses

    Post by *Augustus* on Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:56 pm

    While the words alone have a certain allure, some loose synonyms might not literally be what you intended. Fixing a few typo’s will help the read.

    Hey H, thank you so much for your wonderful comment. I would love if you could point out the typo's and synonyms so I can progress in my writing. PM me if you like. Thank you xx


    _________________
    through waves of joy and clarity
    a fallen angel walked on the sea
    and I'm playing in the shallow water
    laughing while the mad dog sleeps

    Neil Finn
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    Harklight


    Posts : 77
    Join date : 2010-10-13

    default Re: The Realm of Senses

    Post by Harklight on Sat Oct 30, 2010 6:17 pm

    Hi Jay ... thanks for being open to suggestions.
    Few typos are in third stanza: bequeathed (in context) for bequeath, ardour for adore and cloth (or clothes) for clothe.
    Synonyms are diverse but these are some ideas. Other words may better suit your intent and maintain your poem's tender tone. "surrender" fits ideally with "silk lips" in third stanza but, in the first, night can't surrender me from harm. If you mean protect, perhaps use a word like render, shelter or deliver? Given the stanza's tone, "you spied into" feels an unwelcome intrusion. Many synonyms replace spied. I pondered what you meant by "cherish me forgotten". The invitation is present tense but forgotten is past. A present or future tense word suits here.
    A semi-colon fits after thunder, love and end line's you: most aptly in end line. But I ask you; what love isn’t naked like the flame of zeal?
    While wishing to not influence the gentle tone in your write, I hope this helps.
    Feel free to post any revision below or in the Peer Review boards. H x

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