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    Such Words As These


    Posts : 74
    Join date : 2010-10-12

    default Such Words As These

    Post by Jamie on Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:05 pm

    Unworthy words sweep past such withered lips,
    Unbound desire unearthed by fingertips,
    Colliquial and charming, disarming,
    Bent to no ill intent, nor to harming.

    Such wishes whispered into midnight hair,
    Hopeful prescience abandoned to care,
    Loving and entreating, worth repeating,
    Ravenous intent, for love needs feeding.

    Such surpassing passion forever flows,
    A fountain full of wishes drowning woes,
    Such lips as mine dividing, abiding,
    Such words as these, "I love you," inviting.

    Posts : 77
    Join date : 2010-10-13

    default Re: Such Words As These

    Post by Harklight on Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:46 pm

    Stunning writing, Jamie. Opening lines are memorable and beautiful. Leading into a positively worded poem, beginning both initial lines with "un" words is brilliant. This piece tenderly explores ultimate care, yearning and giving. Little nits: Colloquial. Some commas could be colons or full stops. While I realise that "such" is part of this theme, adjectives could be more fitting. Your rhymed words suit the poem and meter is ideal, smoothly running over the tongue. I wish I'd thought of many phrases in this piece. The ending two lines are like icing on a lovingly made cake. Kudos! H x

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